In like a lion, out like a lamb

Although I haven't yet managed to lucid dream, I have recorded numerous nighttime visions since I've been in Paris. A little background on my philosophy of dreaming: I believe that a) all the characters in a dream are aspects of myself, b) during sleep and dreamtime I release everyday thoughts and resistance to my True Nature, and am thus more available to insight and guidance, and c) even more important than the visuals or action of a dream are its emotional messages, which are a preview of whatever thought/emotion patterns I've had going on, and where they're likely to lead (unless I change them). Helpful, to say the least.

This past weekend was difficult for me. Turning forty was a big deal (I say from the other side!!), and I struggled with a lot of fears and concerns: What am I doing in Paris, what am I doing with my life, what's up with my Alexander teaching, why am I so harsh with myself, when will I quit these mean thought patterns, it's freaking dreary grey and raining here in Paris - this is why I moved to the SOUTH where at least I can reasonably hope for a little blue sky in April... you get the gist.

Thankfully, THANKFULLY, I have this amazing team of Beloveds who offer me unparalleled compassion and support. My teacher Abe says this, which is what I aspire to in my teaching, and what Sarah, Luz, and Jack wholeheartedly embodied for me in the last two days: "You’ll have people coming to you saying, 'I don’t know what it is but something about your belief in me has caused me to rise to a new level and I’m so much happier and so much more productive and so much richer for my relationship with you.' And some of them will eventually say, 'What is your secret?' and the simple answer is, 'I knew who you really are and focused incessantly upon that until you became it.'"

So this crazy thing happened with my iPad on Sunday. I've been successfully ignoring its warning that there isn't enough iCloud space to back it up, until it decided - no more! and completely froze up. Uh, say that again?? It was the first beautiful, sunny, warm day and I was without my camera to capture images of the HORDES of people descended upon the lovely Parc des Buttes Chaumont, where I took myself for the afternoon. After twenty minutes lying on a steep grassy hill I was nudged over by an entire French family, and they weren't sharing their quiche and wine. I took the hint and wandered away, naughtily sneaking off the path into a woodsy section and lying under the trees for some actual solitude. There were so many people crowding every single hillside, the drone of all their talking sounded like Wall Street. I'm not kidding.

Home from the Parc with the evening stretching long before me, I attempted in vain to negotiate with Minois (yes, I named my iPad... it means Pretty Face, how's that!). The only operable function was Siri, a voice-activation software. I asked it to "play music," and it did - a random mix from my entire collection. You want to tune into what the Universe has to say to you? Just go for a random sampling of channeled conferences, choral music, Old Crow Medicine Show, Louise Hay, kirtan, emotional freedom technique, and icaros. Ha!

Altogether, the reassurance and sunny day and irony of technology elevated my mood considerably from my birthday doldrums. And I woke this morning from this dream (remember my philosophy, described above):

I am decorating a chocolate frosted birthday cake-slash-pie. I watch my (child) self decorate the bottom half. Then I (a wise consciousness) decorate the top half of the cake. I'm using my right index fingernail to mark little cuts in the icing, telling/teaching her that this is what we do to mark or scuff something up. [Here I think of the Japanese concept of wabi-sabi, finding beauty in imperfection, or Tibetan monks creating intricate mandalas and then sweeping them away, pointing to life's impermanence.] Then we dig into the cake with our fingers, and the song "Happy Birthday" is ringing in my ears. There's a crowd nearby and I look over triumphantly, but they're not really watching. It doesn't matter.

What my iPad played to me last night was Abe saying, "Resistance is part of a leading-edge experience. It creates more powerful desire." I am seeing that I came to Paris to bang around a bit, to stir up a little unhappiness in order to generate stronger desire to practice kinder stories about myself and my work, to deliberately choose where I go based on my perfectly justified personal preferences, to tear into my cake and eat it too. And I must be on the right track, because my dream confirmed that I'm understanding the value of messing up, that it's of no consequence if anyone else notices, that I'm being celebrated in ways I can hardly fathom.

To all of my ancestors watching over me, French and otherwise (though let me say I can CLEARLY feel the French ones hanging around!), to all the angels currently incarnated as my friends and family, t h a n k y o u !! You lift me up. I'm glad to be here, receiving your love.

 

 

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